The Harmful Effects of a Partner Who Doesn’t Listen (and How to Address It)

While there are many reasons why a partner may not be listening to you, it’s important to realize that in some cases it probably has more to do with them than you. You can only communicate so much on your part and if your partner hasn’t done the work to make space to actually hear you, that’s on them. Even if you’re bearing the brunt of it.

“Past unresolved issues or traumas can influence how people communicate, leading to misunderstandings or avoidance of important conversations,” says Dr. Alexandra Stratyner, adding that emotional baggage takes a toll and can impact one’s ability to listen. “[Also], external stressors like work pressure, health problems, or life transitions can cause emotional strain, making it harder to communicate effectively,” says Dr. Stratyner.

If you think that either of these things could be the cause, explain to your partner how their lack of listening is affecting you and bringing toxicity into your relationship and how you communicate. “[Your partner] might not be fully present in the conversation, even if they care deeply about what you’re saying,” says Dr. Stratyner. “This may be unintentional, [as] most people don’t mean to disregard their partner’s feelings or words, but life circumstances or personal habits can influence effective communication.” That’s why it’s so important that you address it, instead of just letting frustration and disappointment grow, brewing into something that can result in a big, messy fight.

As kids, we’re taught that we’re supposed to listen to what people are saying to us. After all, you can’t respond to what someone said if you never actually heard the words that came out of their mouth. Perhaps your partner is someone who never really learned how to properly listen, which means that actively listening is something they have no idea how to navigate.

“Communication suffers if one or both partners stop truly listening and become more focused on what they’re going to say next rather than understanding each other’s point of view,” says Dr. Alexandra Stratyner. Not only is listening just so you can have your turn to talk as far from actively listening as things can get, but it’s extremely problematic. Sure, some people love the sound of their own voice and get into conversations just so they eventually can have the floor, but that isn’t communication. that’s waiting for an opening to say what you want to say.

If you realize this is the reason your partner isn’t listening to you, then they need a lesson in active listening. Whether that means having a few sessions with a therapist who specializes in relational communication or picking up a book on the subject, it’s something that can’t be ignored. After all, your partner is an adult and should have a basic grasp as to why listening is so paramount in all relationships, not just romantic ones.

Depending on the experiences your partner had, avoiding conflict at all costs just might be how they get by in the world. Because of this, you could be having a completely rational discussion where communication is clear and honest, but all of a sudden your partner completely stops listening. “If a conversation is heading toward a disagreement or uncomfortable topic, some people may unintentionally ‘tune out’ to avoid confrontation, even if they don’t mean to dismiss your feelings,” says Dr. Alexandra Stratyner. “[Your partner] might shut down or withdraw from conversations to avoid conflict, leaving important issues unaddressed and creating a barrier to communication.”

While your partner may do this as a means of self-preservation, the reality is that conflict avoidance can impact relationships in really negative ways. Once your partner has decided to avoid a situation, emotions can get heated, causing people to immediately respond defensively, according to Dr. Stratyner. Not only does listening go out the window, but so does conversing calmly.

No one wants to find themselves in a scenario where they feel like they need to explain their behavior or defend themselves. While this is true, there is a difference between wanting to avoid conflict and being conflict-avoidant. If your partner isn’t listening to you because of the latter, that’s something for a professional to address with them. The reason for an intense fear of conflict probably runs deeper than you think, and it’s not your job to fix that.

What?! You? You and your impeccable communication skills could be the reason your partner isn’t listening? Dang.

“Yes, your own behavior or communication style could contribute to the issue,” Dr. Alexandra Stratyner exclusively tells Women. “For instance, if you tend to interrupt or finish your partner’s sentences, they might feel like you’re not valuing their input. Similarly, if you communicate indirectly, your partner may struggle to understand your needs or feelings.”

As Dr. Stratyner suggests, take a step back and look at how you interact with your partner when you’re trying to communicate with them. Just like we all have our argument styles, we also have different communication styles. A big part of being in a relationship is learning these things about not just our partners, but ourselves, so even if those styles are different, we’re aware of the difference and can navigate accordingly. “Recognizing your communication patterns and how they might impact your partner can help you work toward a more balanced and effective dialogue,” says Dr. Stratyner. If the toxicity behind your partner never listening comes down to you, then you’re the one who needs to do some work. Not just for the relationship you have with your partner, but every other relationship you have too.

Regardless of why your partner is not listening to you, it needs to be remedied. “Recurrent communication problems from your partner may indicate they may not be emotionally invested or interested in maintaining the relationship,” says Dr. Alexandra Stratyner, adding that when being ignored becomes a pattern, it’s toxic on so many levels. “Especially if it’s done deliberately to manipulate or control the situation,” says Dr. Stratyner. “Healthy relationships require mutual respect, and if your partner constantly disregards your voice or needs, it could signal an unhealthy dynamic that needs addressing.”

If you’ve done your part in trying to make your voice heard and you find that you’re at a standstill, then therapy is your best option. We’re lucky that we live in a time where couples therapy is finally being normalized and there’s no shame in getting professional help. Therapy can teach you and your partner the necessary tools to communicate effectively and actively listen. Hopefully, after some sessions, your relationship will bounce out of toxicity and into healthier territories.